<3! so glad you joined the chain. this is a great addition. did you note ~SOLARTS so he can add your link?

Oh! Nope! I will do that.

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What would the world be like if we tried to be kind as hard as we tried to be beautiful?

And thank you!

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What would the world be like if we tried to be kind as hard as we tried to be beautiful?

Thanks!!



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"We are intent on reducing art to its simplest expression, which is love." (Andre Breton)

A lovely addition!!! Thankyou so much. I do have a suggestion, if I may be so bold. I LOVE the image, but I feel that "I sit and wonder" is redundant to the poem. We can infer this from the thoughtfulness of the second and third lines. Also it becomes a sentence the way it is presently written. One of the key elements of haiku is juxtaposition between two images which the audience then puts together - the resonance between these images, the spark between them, is known as the 'haiku moment', or 'aha moment'. For this reason I suggest editing the poem down to:

how many dreams have died on
abandoned parchment

Then finding another image to pair with this. Something that brings out a deeper meaning in juxtaposition. One suggestion would be:

falling leaves-
how many dreams have died on
abandoned parchment

Here the falling "leaves" are the parchments (leaves being a word for paper). But they are also the falling leaves of autumn, traditionally a time of sadness and regret (in haiku at least). Now the two images resonate and bring us to a greater understanding of your thought in the second image (line 2 and 3). I realise I have broken the 5-7-5 rule, but modern haiku poets almost never stick to the 5-7-5 rule, so I don't feel it damages the poem. Alternatively you could try to think of an image to juxtapose which is 5 syllables. I would suggest that if you do decide to add a first image that it is a natural image presented objectively, which will serve as a juxtaposition to your subjective emotions.

I hope you do not mind me offering critique. I just wanted to point out that structures like juxtaposition are more essential to classical haiku than syllable count, and that there is a great deal of debate about 5-7-5 in general because Japanese poets count in 'morae' which differ significantly from syllables in terms of line length. In syllables for instance haiku is 2 (hai-ku) while in morae it is 3 (ha-i-ku). Cat is 1 syllable (cat) and yet it is 2 syllables (ca-t). In 'morae' count your present poem is more like 7-11-8, rather than 5-7-5. Just some thoughts.

Thanks again for participating in the chain gang, and no matter what you decide about your poem I am very pleased to have it in the chain!!!!



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"We are intent on reducing art to its simplest expression, which is love." (Andre Breton)

Wow, I don't mind at all. The critique is great; I actually don't know much about haiku aside from the 5-7-5 idea, and I deeply appreciate the insight. Thank you!



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What would the world be like if we tried to be kind as hard as we tried to be beautiful?

Absolutely! Great idea.

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What would the world be like if we tried to be kind as hard as we tried to be beautiful?

So glad it was helpful. You have a great sense of images - now you just need to work on structuring those images.

I don't know if you've seen it before, but I wrote an essay on this recently here on DA. Have a look if you want: [link]



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"We are intent on reducing art to its simplest expression, which is love." (Andre Breton)

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"We are intent on reducing art to its simplest expression, which is love." (Andre Breton)